Disastrous Backsliding

It's kind of funny: when I first started writing this blog, I got the impression that it would actually be therapeutic for me "purge" all of my ridiculous sexual history. In the beginning, it really felt like "outing" my addiction would be the answer to so many problems and that things would finally start to work themselves out.

But you know that didn't happen. Since I started Homosexual Suspect, I ended up getting involved with psycho crazy Round Peg and all that shit, and then I went to Chicago. Really, I could have made a porn in my beautiful hotel room in Chicago. I put an ad on Craigslist there and the midwestern men, they came a-running. From 5:30 pm until about 9:00 I had 3 different men show up to my room for blowjobs. Let's give a quick rundown- first guy was creepy and kind of smelled bad, but had a nice enough dick and it was over pretty quick. Next guy had a nice body and a small dick, but that too was over quick enough. The third guy is the interesting one. He was younger than me (interesting plus!) and hot. He had a great body and one of those rare actual huge cocks. It was perfect and beautiful except it had a wicked bend in it so you know he could never actually have comfortable sex.

It bend downward so that, even when he was hard, it looked just like a monster limp dick. I'm not sure if I'm accurately describing this or not, but that's just how it was. He was one of those guys who just likes to be worshipped. Basically, I ended up giving him a one hour blowjob all through American Idol (but I still was able to write down the lines to text my votes in for Chris and Paris-- although we all know how far that got me)...

It was one of those blowjobs where you end up snotting and actually crying because it's gone on so long and you need tissue in order not to look totally disgusting. My favorite part of this encounter was that this guy's Chicago accent was just as thick as his cock. Literally, he was saying things like, "Suck my cock" that sounded more like "cack" and it just made laugh. I guess I'm just used to the NYC guys who have so many accents it's hard and actually rare to find a native.

Now, we could look at this obvious backsliding or return to sexual addiction as a simple case of lack of willpower. Maybe I need to go to some more meetings. Who knows. I think what happened was that I thought I was healing and I wanted to see instant results. But an addiction that's been growing for more than 10 years can't be cured in just 8 months of meetings. At work we went through this great training where we were learning listening and counseling skills. One of the things they focused on was the idea that people approach problems in their personal lives the same way they approach work problems. This of course is just plain wrong. At work, when a problem comes up, any good employee looks to quickly find the best solution and get it worked out ASAP to keep the boss happy. This ends up working its way into our personal lives, too and causes us to expect the same kind of quick fixes to make out personal lives better. In reality, we don't realize that our personal lives don't have deadlines, and that we should take our time to sort that shit out.

So, while I did backslide, it's probably better if I look at it as just part of the process and continue to figure out what triggers these "episodes". More to come on developments on this front.

In the meantime, I've been out a few times with some of the NYC Blogger-elite. If anything, this blog is therapeutic, but has also helped me to branch out and meet some amazing, albeit ridiculous, people-- Polly, Dolly, Stolie, and Pookalu, just to name a few! I am definitely enjoying these ridiculous women, and who the fuck knows what additional trouble I will end up in when I gallivant around NYC in the company of these ladies.