You Might be a Sex Addict If...

In the spirit of the Kentucky Derby, my birthday, and all things redneck shabby chic, I offer Jeff Foxworthy-esque comical observations about sex addiction:

You Might be a Sex Addict If... even when you're sick, sunburned, or otherwise physically repulsive, you still look for ways to convince someone to get you off.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you file a grievance with your health insurance claiming that STI/STD/HIV testing is, in fact, preventive medicine and it should therefore be 100% covered.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you've ever been turned on or got off to the cooing of the pigeons outside your New York apartment window having mistaken the fowl noises for the rough grunting of your neighbor upstairs getting laid.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you check people out in church including, but not limited to, priests, pastors, deacons, nuns, members of the choir, eucharistic ministers, et. al (I'd include acolyes and altar boys/girls here, but that's just sick-- while most pedophiles probably are sex addicts, it is important to note that most sex addicts are NOT also pedophiles so this is just like one of those "a rectangle is a square, but a square is not a rectangle" things.)

You Might be a Sex Addict If... even though you're grossed out by them, you still wouldn't mind trying watersports, or bondage, or fisting.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you've ever had one of those moments during sex where you suddenly realize this position is just like one you saw in that porn you haven't seen in ages.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... if you linger way too long looking at the "escort" or "companion" parts of the yellow pages or the pink pages or one of those great alternative newspapers that offer lots of sex advertisements.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... when your parents let you look at the Sears catalog to pick out toys for Christmas, you always ended up flipping past the toys and looking at the underwear models instead.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... when there's no porn around and you need a little visual stimulation, you go dig up those catalog underwear models of yesteryear to push you over the edge.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... by the time you graduated high school you had had a sexual fantasy or, if you were lucky, a wet dream about almost your entire graduating class, and most of the faculty and underclassmen too (this includes the ones that weren't "classically" sexy-- the girl with the wolf shirts on in chemistry class, the teacher with the tuft of gray chest hair that somehow managed to work its way out of every shirt the guy worse, no matter what... you get the idea...)

You Might be a Sex Addict If... when your doctor tells you you've got gonorrhea you're secretly happy because it's one of the ones that you can treat and have it go away without it coming back every month or so (unlike that inconsiderate HPV).

You Might be a Sex Addict If... when you do test positive and the doctor/department of health ask you to contact your sexual partners, you aren't nervous about having the conversation with them at all because you don't even know their name, let alone contact information.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you start to recognize the writing styles of the Craigslist regulars.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you've ever masturbated to one of those late-night infomercials with the muscle-y guys and hot-ass chicks working out on the beach (Bowflex, Soloflex, 8 minute abs, whatever...).

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you live in perpetual fear of erectile disfunction or frigidity.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... after every unsafe/abnormal/otherwise fucked up sexual encounter you start to think of all the ways that you could lose your sex drive (smoke pot, take Zoloft, etc.)

You Might be a Sex Addict If... every time your friends talk to you about their sex lives you feel like it is a personal challenge for you to be able to solve their problem by offering advice about sex toys, cock rings, new positions, etc.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you are fluent in Online Dating lingo (PnP, ff, vgl, c/uc, jo, s2r, bb, parTy, and the list goes on and on).

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you've ever lied to someone about your age, weight, height, sexual preference, or position preference just to get them to sleep with you so that you can get off with someone else.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you feel like you've jacked off enough times to realize that it's not going to make you blind, but you still can't help but wonder if this next time will be "the one."

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you find yourself constantly disappointed by all of the sexual amateurs out there who just don't seem to be nearly as experiences as you are.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you pretty much lie to everyone you know about the full extent of your sex life thinking that, really, it's your business and it should be private.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you rationalize all of your sex partners as just a necessary part of the "hunt" to find the right mate.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you would bring someone to fuck with back to your place even if your parents, your roommate's parents, or your boyfriend/girlfriend's parents were staying there too; but you're always sure to use another room.

You Might be a Sex Addict If... you got the end of this posting and thought, "Hey HS, you forgot this one..."

Please help me add to this list! Submit a comment!