History 101

Where did life go so wrong so young?

I think it all starts back on spring break of seventh grade when I used to watch scrambled Cinemax porn. I remember it so clearly, I can even hear the opening sequence music. At any rate, I knew how each episode went. Scene one- random girl and random guy fucking. Scene two- random girl masturbates until she is "interrupted" by random other girl (usually a maid or something) who then joins in for the lesbian scene. The third scene was always the hottest- hot guy, hot girl (sometimes a three way, if you were lucky). I don't remember what happened in the fourth and final scene-- but for me, I never cared (usually done by then-- 45 minutes was the apparent attention span of penis). All I ever wanted to see was the penis. I mean really, you saw like every possible angle you could ever want of come girl's "bearded axe wound", but no matter what, they always passed over showing you the cock shot (and, while we're at it, the money shot.)

The first time I ever got off was during that spring break in seventh grade. I was wearing these horrible hunter green cotton shorts and probably a shirt that had a tiger on it with some message about that tiger being endangered underneath . Of course, the shirt was tucked in, and my hair was slicked back. I definitely blew my first load all over those shorts and then, as if I were in some movie, my sister came upstairs. For all those guys who can recount the first time they got off, I was a) paralyzed, b) confused, and c) quick to make a really good excuse as to why there was a huge wad of tissue sitting next to me by the TV. "Oh Jesus, sis, I just had this awful sneezing fit."

Right. It took me a while, but I quickly realized how I could get off without the TV anymore. What a treat. Too bad it took a lot of Vaseline and then who knows what other lotion I was able to drum up from mom and dad's bathroom (also gross). It became a ritual, me, the lotion and my scrambled porn.

It just got old after a while, even though it always got me off. I remember the day I decided to watch the episode so closely I could find some address of the production studio (mind you, I was 12 or 13). See, I intended to write a letter to the directors, the producers, even the editors, so that I could DEMAND to know why they just weren't showing any dick. I just didn't think it was fair. But that was before I discovered gay porn. Oh, for the record, I wasn't quite sure I was gay yet. I thought I was taking a stand for civil rights or something.

Who knows why, but I never thought they made gay porn. Luckily, the internet happened and porn was pretty much everywhere. I have such mixed feelings about kids getting "NetNanny" or other cyber censors. I just feel like porn and the internet were such a vital part of my development, you know? So, of course the internet also led to that inevitable time my mom walked in on me looking at porn/pants down/going at it/etc. GREAT. I even remember saving pictures to those little 3 1/2" floppy disks and then printing them or even putting them in my own little slide show of porn. SICK.

But, that was high school. And middle school. And that was just before real sex. So, I guess in trying to analyze my sexual compulsion, I have to start by looking at the internet and porn. It all started there.

After the pictures came the cyber sex. Who knows who/where the guys were. Who knows who/where the girls were. I do know that the typing was always ridiculous and the words werealways fucking retarded. I mean does it really get you off to read things on a screen said by someone else? Does it?

???

?..

...

DAMN RIGHT it does. It's like choose your own adventure erotica and you get to pick all of all the factors. You make up how hot you are, how hot your fuck buddy is, where you are, what you do, and best of all... What you're capable of. I mean, how cool to be able to say that you can get fisted during cyber sex, when you know damn well that in real life, there is no amount of Crisco in the world capable of actually letting someone put their whole FIST anywhere IN your body. (Just to allay any fears/deter any of you in light bondage or fisting-- I have never been fisted nor will I ever fist anyone. I think I saw fisting happen once. But my personal best is three fingers. That is all.)

Basically, it all kind of comes down to this: scrambled Cinemax was a gateway drug for me that became internet porn, cyber sex, and eventually, as you all know, phone and cyber sex. Any real relationships I had were merely a coincidental side effect of my natural beauty.

But that is of course what we're all most interested in, right? So, without further ado, we'll kick off the 100+ days of 100+ men tomorrow where I'll recount the tale of men and women gone by.